The marriage procedures of the Sui and Tang dynasties

First comes the betrothal proposal. When a man wishes to marry a woman, he must send a matchmaker to formally propose to her family. Upon receiving their consent, he then presents the family with a formal "proposal gift," following the custom known as “the parents’ command and the matchmaker’s word.” As the names suggest, the matchmaker is one who arranges the union, while the go-between weighs the compatibility of the two families. In ancient times, matchmakers followed certain customs and carried specific tools: an axe and a scale. The axe tradition comes from a line in the Book of Songs: “To fell the trees, one must have an axe. To marry a wife, one must have a matchmaker.” The scale symbolizes the importance of social and economic parity between the families. Ancient customs were strict about marrying within one’s social class; for example, a nobleman could not take a maid as his official wife, as illustrated in famous literature. There were exceptions, such as in the Song dynasty, when it became common for successful scholars to be chosen as sons-in-law by wealthy families, much as today’s civil servants are considered desirable matches.

There were also special circumstances, such as marriages across ethnic or national lines. Generally, during the Han and Tang dynasties, such alliances—whether among royalty or commoners—were handled with relative flexibility. In the later Tang period, regulations became stricter; for instance, foreign residents were not permitted to marry local women, and even those with permanent residency could not take their Chinese wives back to their homelands. Along the frontiers, the rules were even harsher, especially after certain incidents where border marriages led to political upheaval. In the Song dynasty, the famous “Increased Tribute of the Qingli Era” recounts how the Liao requested a marriage alliance, but the Song refused, offering money instead of a bride—a policy held in higher moral regard than earlier dynasties. During the Yuan dynasty, marriage involved changes in ethnic registration: a man marrying a Mongol woman would become Mongolian by law, and a woman marrying into a different ethnic group might lose status. The Ming dynasty forbade Mongols and Central Asians from marrying within their own groups in central China, insisting instead on marriage with Han Chinese; however, while many Mongol women married Han men, few Han women married Mongols. In the Qing dynasty, Manchu men could marry Han women, but Manchu women were forbidden to marry Han men—a rather unfair arrangement.

After discussing these special cases, let us return to the formal betrothal rites. The most important part was the offering of a wild goose. Traditionally, in marriages conducted according to the Six Rites, the groom's envoys presented a live goose to the bride's family (except during the dowry ceremony). The wild goose, a migratory bird with fixed mating habits—if one dies, the other does not seek a new mate—symbolized fidelity and harmony, as well as the unity of yin and yang. It was crucial that the goose be alive and released afterward, or else it would be considered inauspicious. If a goose could not be obtained, a goose or pheasant could be substituted. Other gifts need not be detailed here.

Following the betrothal comes the "asking of the name." The groom’s family sends the matchmaker to inquire about the bride’s name and birth date. They receive her “birth card,” which is then used to consult a fortune-teller to determine compatibility. There are many superstitions, such as avoiding women born in the year of the Tiger or the Sheep. However, since there was no identity verification system in ancient times, it was common for the bride’s family to have a sorcerer alter the birth details to avoid bad omens. For example, a woman born in the year of the Tiger might have her horoscope altered to appear as a Cow or Rabbit. Thus, a woman’s true age was often difficult to discern. In one humorous anecdote, a woman so altered her birth card that her sons nearly celebrated her seventieth birthday years early, only for her to confess that the date was not her real birthday.

Once the horoscopes were matched and found favorable, the next step was the formal engagement. The groom’s family would send gifts and a formal engagement contract to the bride’s family, again performing the wild goose ceremony. This included the formal signing of the marriage contract, analogous to modern marriage registration and prenuptial agreements.

The fourth step was the presentation of the bride price. Called the “betrothal gift,” these varied by era and social class. In the Southern Song, for example, upper-class families exchanged gold, silver, silk, and cloth in set quantities. In more recent times, there was a tradition where a woman would ask for a shoe pattern from her fiancé as a symbol of the engagement—a custom with ancient roots, where the man would send thread and the woman would return shoes or socks, symbolizing harmony. In contrast, the custom in old films of exchanging handkerchiefs was considered less auspicious.

After the exchange of gifts came the setting of the wedding date, chosen for its auspiciousness. Then came the most important step: the groom’s formal journey to escort the bride to her new home. In ancient times, the groom would drive a carriage to the bride’s house, pay respects to her parents, and ceremonially escort her to the carriage. He would circle the carriage three times before setting off. The bride’s carriage, usually provided by her family, would be returned three months later—a kind of probation period, after which the marriage was considered final. In ancient times, if the bride was not a virgin, the marriage could be annulled and the bride returned, reflecting a certain cultural ideal.

There were also various wedding poems and rituals, such as urging the bride to hurry with her preparations or blocking her carriage with poetic riddles. In the Tang dynasty, for example, the princess’s wedding included a celebrated poem by the groom’s attendant, and the palace ladies responded with verses of their own, showcasing the sophisticated wit of the time.

Modern weddings often misunderstand these traditions. For example, in the wedding ceremony, the bowing order is often reversed: traditionally, the bride bows first, the groom responds, and this is repeated four times. The location of the ceremony also changed over time, from tents to the main hall, following reforms in the Tang dynasty. There are also sartorial errors: traditional dress has been replaced by mismatched outfits or Western wedding customs performed incorrectly—such as wearing the wrong color or the wrong kind of ring.

On the wedding night, the most important ritual was the "red proof"—a test of the bride’s virginity, often involving a white cloth. There were also customs such as unveiling the bride’s face with a scale beam (never by hand), lighting the dragon and phoenix candles (which must remain lit all night), and drinking cross-cup wine, where the bride and groom each held half of a divided gourd. If the groom failed to turn his cup over afterward, it was said he would be dominated by his wife all his life.

Other customs included the unveiling ritual, with the groom composing a poem as he lifted the bride’s veil, and the “hair-knotting” ceremony, symbolizing the couple’s union. In earlier times, the groom would untie the bride’s maiden hair ribbon and re-tie her hair in a new style; later customs involved both cutting a lock of hair and knotting them together, to be kept by the bride. There was also the “combing ceremony” on the eve of the wedding, accompanied by auspicious songs, but in dramas such a scene often foreshadowed tragedy.

There were many taboos: the bridal veil must be lifted with a scale beam, not by hand; the wedding candles must not be extinguished; the red proof must use a white cloth. To summarize, the main steps were: proposal, asking the name, confirming the match, presenting the betrothal gift, setting the date, formal escort, wedding rites, bridal chamber, unveiling, hair-knotting, red proof, and returning the carriage.